Listen to me.

Don’t listen to what they say.

I have seen you cry, I know you.

Let them know you messed up.

Let them know you don’t care.

Show them how all your falls are the reason you are here today.

Listen to me.

I don’t know what I am about to say but I have got a lot to prove.

I have known misery and I have had my glorious days.

I always wanted more. I was always running towards the finish lines I set for myself.

I was delayed, I was pushed aside. I was torn apart.

But I have been put back together by people who saw me for who I am.

I was happily down on my knees, watching the whole world as it passed me by.

It is okay to slow down. It is expected to trip.

Shatter into pieces and learn to put your pieces back together.

I have kissed my misery goodbye.

Rock bottom is not where I am supposed to be for too long.

I am sorry if the world was ever cruel to you. But if it is any consolation, I have set on a journey of my own to try and set my part of the world right.

I am sorry I haven’t crossed your way yet. But I believe I am destined to find you.

I am coming your way.

I’m almost there.

Listen to me.

I don’t know what they have told you, but I know you are more than what they see.

Stupid society judges you and then tells you to believe in yourself.

I know living in our world is not an easy thing to do.

I am coming your way.

I’m almost there.

Listen to me.

What you see in the mirror is not what defines you.

How you feel every night before you sleep is not how you should be feeling.

What you hear from others is not necessarily the right thing to believe in.

 

I know you have been listening to me.

I am here.

I am here now. 

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أكتب لك.

أكتب لك من شرفة منزلي بـحي المعادي المفضل لديك, أدخن سيجارتي الخامسة اليوم واستمع لموسيقى الجيران تكسر هدوء الليل. لا أعرف ماذا أقول لك, ولكني شعرت بـرغبة مفاجأة للكتابة عنك واليك. لا دعني أمحو ذلك, أنا أعرف تحديدا ماذا أريد أن أقول, ولكني لا أعتقد انني بـإمكاني أن أقول لك ايا من هذا الكلام.

كيف استطيع ان أصيغ كلماتي حتى لا تسيء فهمي, كيف أقول لك إني رحلت من اجل نفسي, من أجل ان أسعى وراء ما أريده أنا. كانت لك حياتك وكانت حياتي جزء منها, و أنا أردت دائما ان تكون حياتنا معا ولكن ليس حد صعوبة الفصل بينهما. كنت أنت تريد أن تكون الأول في كل شيء, وكأنه كرم منك أن تسمح ليَّ ان احيا في ظلك.

غريب كيف يقع الإنسان في حب صفة بشرية ثم تتحول هذه الصفة إلى سبب رحيله الأساسي عن من أحب. كنت تحرك حياتي بـسلاسة كأنها عادة يومية بالنسبة لك, وكنت أنا أقف في إندهاش غريب معتقدة أن أي اتجاه تدفعني اليه هو الأحسن ليّ, وإني حتى إن لم أعلم بـذلك الآن, فإني سأفرح لاحقا.

أتعجب من تفاصيل حياتنا معا, ولكن أكثر مايجذب انتباهي هو كيف سمحت لك إن تتسلل اليَّ, أن تعرف كل تجاويف جسدي وتتنبأ بـجميع أفكاري, والأهم أن تحفظ كل أسراري والقصص ورائها. كيف حولتني من فتاه تخشى القرب وفي أغلب الأحيان ترحل عن كل من أحبت لأسباب ليس لها وجود, إلى فتاه تعلقت بك حد الانصهار. من الملام هنا؟ وكيف لي أن أعرف باي حال. تبقى أنت اللغز الأكبر في صفحات الماضي التي أهرب منه مرارا وتكرارا لأجدني أعود له, لأضيع مرة أخرى في مكان مألوف.

أكتب لك الآن, أكتب عن ذكراك. وسأظل أكتب حتى تصبح ذكرى يصعب عليَّ الإلمام بـأي من تفاصيلها. وبحذر ككل ليلة, سأطوي هذا الجواب وأضعه في الصندوق التي اهديتني إياه منذ أرْبع سنوات, مع كل قصاصات الورق المنقوش عليها اسمك, ومع كل زجاجة خمر احتسيتها لانساك ومع كل قطرة دم سالت مني في محاولة بائسة لللحاق بك إلى العالم الأخر.

أكتب لك الليلة وأنا مازلت غارقة في أسفي على الرحيل فجأة, لأني لم تتسنى ليَّ الفرصة أن أودعك وان أوصد باب ذكرياتنا جيدا حتى لا تعود أجزاء منك لتطاردني كل مامررت بـجانب بيتك. فإنت القصة التي اخترت أن أنهيها ولكن الله أراد أن يجعل للأحداث بقية, وكتب نهاية لم تخطر على بالي ابدا. فها أنا أجلس في بيت زوجي, نترحم أنا وأخيك عليك كل ما ذكر اسمك, وأعلم أنه ليومنا هذه يشكر الله إنه سمح له بـموتك التقرب ليَّ, والزواج مني في نهاية المطاف لمشاركتنا الأسى عليك.

هو أقرب شيء لك, ولكني مازلت أشتاق اليك..

Apathy of a heart and mind.

It was a winter night, not like any other. The moon’s absence made it a little more gloomy.

I sat there on my rocking chair, next to the fire I lit earlier while I waited for her to come home.

It was five past 11. The ticking of every second sucked the life out of me slowly, as if it was deducting these minutes out of my lifetime. I knew it was not going to be like every night.

Half an hour past her usual timing, I finally heard her keys by the door, thinking that anything I might say now will probably make everything even worse.

I stood up as she reluctantly kissed me on the cheek as if she was racing to make it to her room, before I could even have a look at her.

I pulled her hand as fast as I could before she could slip out of my arms, and gently whispered into her ears, “he called you today on your other cellphone that you left at the breakfast table when you were in a hurry to go out before I woke up.”

I bet a million ideas stormed through her head; why did he call, what did he say, did he hang up before I picked up, how could the person she is married to be so calm about this, what did I find out anyway, but she was interrupted by another calm tone, “I’m guessing he is the same man you introduced to me as your associate at work, except this time he was less stressed than last time. Now I understand why.”

A minute passed as if it was almost five nights, no one cared to move, we both knew we would break in halves if we did.

The sound of silence was disturbed by the clock striking twelve, as if that was god’s sign for her to let go of all the words she has been keeping from me.

“Remember the time you told me even if you had me all figured out you’d still look at me the same way you did when we first found out that our favorite two singers are actually happily married now, and that their next song is a duet that we both couldn’t wait to hear?”, she wasn’t waiting for an answer. “Remember the first time you told your parents about me, how they were so angry at you for keeping it a secret, and how you stormed out of the house that night only to storm in the very next day with me by your side?”

I still didn’t make a sound.

“But what I really wish you would remember is the time you told me that whenever I drifted away, you would come out of your way for me everytime, because you knew how I have a tendency of always losing my way.”

My head was silent. I was quiet, as I have been for the last three months, I couldn’t find the words to turn around the conversation.

Her head was a mess, it was a new kind of mess to her, I could tell, but somehow she knew exactly what she wanted to say, the words came out with no hesitation, “I am tired, not worn out, but worn through.”

We sat across each other, staring at what we have become. I wanted to speak, I wanted to say anything, I wanted to ask her about that man, what has he to offer that I didn’t, I wanted to know how far have they gone, but I couldn’t.

“You know, the days passed one at a time, and sometimes less than one at a time. At days you were here, you, the one I have known my whole life, and the next day, I prayed to only see a glimpse of you.”

I knew there was days when I didn’t react to anything she said, the days I felt the need to hide, even from her, I just didn’t want to exist. I couldn’t explain my need to myself, but I have been told that there’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.

She always saw through me, she is the kind of person that would know a flaw exists but acts as if it is not there, and that made me comfortable around her. My mind was always quiet around her, I didn’t have to invent anything. I didn’t have to be anything but myself.

“The man that called means nothing to me, he is just someone that cared enough to notice my new hair cut, and brought me morning coffee everyday with a countdown note to my birthday, but he is nothing, he can’t be anything, he is not you.”

I wanted to be empty like an overturned pitcher, but I was full like a stone. I started to realize in my head that I have been out of my life for a while now. I have been running away from everything I know. It was tiring at first, but I got used to being on the run. I thought that if I am moving, it means I shall get somewhere soon. I spent the last couple of months trying to feel less. More and more, it felt like I’m doing a really bad impersonation of myself. But what I totally missed is that she is a part of life, she is a part I should run to, drown into, but instead, I reluctantly put her with the rest of the world that I was angry at for no apparent reason, or maybe I had my reasons, but that isn’t the issue right now.

she stood up, and I knew I had to say anything, but what do you say when the person that you have loved for your whole life tells you that they gave up on you and stopped missing you.

My heavy breathing made it even harder to concentrate on any thought, but I finally did, “I’m sorry. I have always wanted to protect you from every possible heartbreak that might come your way, I guess I never realized I was going to be one of them.”

Her eyes glowed with sadness from across the room, it broke my heart into pieces more than what my heart was made of. And just as she allowed her first tear to run down her cheek, I was by her side crying my heart out, silently. I have stopped her world from spinning only to spin it the other way around.

I swore I would never forgive myself for making her beg for me when I was supposed to be  the only constant in her life.

I took her to bed, and watched her cry herself to sleep. I didn’t have any comforting words to tell her, I didn’t have it in me anymore. I wished so bad that she would leave me the next morning. I wanted her to be well again. I was a mess, an unfixable mess.

I stayed up all night trying to figure out if it is easier to just walk away from everything, I tried to think about her as well, but all I could ever think of is that I have turned into a cold-hearted man, and there is no way of coming back. I have known misery, and I was fine with it. I have known numbness and I was always yearning for it. I knew that the key to this life, is to either feel too much and be willing to deal with the consequences, or feel nothing. Apathy has become my favorite feeling. She was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn’t let myself turn her into someone she can’t recognize.

I packed a suitcase that night, and left before she even woke up. I left her a paper on my side of the bed that said I was going away for a month, I was setting on a journey to get myself back, I wanted to be whole for her again.

I never looked back that day, I knew I have messed up two lives, but I wanted to move on from the draining circle I fell into.

A month passed, I came back, I was still empty but I was eager to be filled with her, everything of her; I realized how her night ramblings meant so much to me, how her silly laughs healed my heart slowly. I remember how I used to smile at her whenever she got home looking clumsy after a long day at work. I remember how she used to touch my hand and how that set fire to my mind. I remember when we kissed on the kitchen table one time and I realized that the neighbors were watching but I didn’t want to stop her and how pissed she was at me the next day when our neighbor hinted that. I remember how she made me feel. Yes, I was never enough for myself, but she was always enough for me. I sank deep into misery when I realized I am inadequate, I was angry at the world, at god, for not letting me see how she was and will always be the missing piece. But now I know better.

 

I used the keys, got into the house, her scent filled the place. The lights were off. I thought maybe she’s asleep.

 

“You were never enough for yourself, and I couldn’t be enough for you no matter how hard I tried. I’m afraid this is not for a month, it is for a lifetime. You wanted to not feel pain, but you missed out on happiness as well. I loved you for everything we were and I stopped when you stopped loving yourself. I’m sorry for the two of us. There was no way around it. We could not climb over it, or walk until we found its edge. Everything is as it is, I just took my things, which you probably won’t notice anyway. I don’t wish you bad. And I know you will always come back and haunt me.”

 

The note on the fridge said…shattering me into pieces all over the kitchen floor, just beside that kitchen table.

 

– The end.

To all the years that passed, cheers.

As a start, this post is totally for the sake of documenting my graduation, nothing that matters to you will be written here, I guess.

I just wanted to let you know before you go on and read the whole thing.

why am I saying this?

because apparently I can’t write anything anywhere without someone commenting about it in a way, hence, MY BLOG, is the only place I have left to ramble as much as I need to.

now that I made it clear, you can proceed if you want to.

 

I have been thinking about this post from 6 am this morning. Today I woke up at 5:30 am to complete what I had left for today’s exam. I haven’t done that in two years, I was pissed at myself somehow, but I kept on saying it is okay and I hopefully won’t have to do so ever AGAIN. What added to the day’s uniqueness, is that at 1:00 am today, I broke down, out of nowhere. I suddenly felt the “pain” of the past 4 years aching inside. And suddenly I wasn’t able to breathe, literally.

When I say the pain, I’m not exaggerating, I have been struggling for 4 years, trying to love what I am doing, or at least get through it. The pain that I felt after each terms’ grades, that never satisfied my father, even though, that was the best I could ever give, ever. I can still remember that I went into a state of depression for two weeks last year, because I was so sure I’d get a “very good” grade for the two terms because I really worked hard for this, I was so sure, only to find I had my worst 2nd term grade ever. The pain I felt because I had to not only move myself, but to push others as well. I don’t know if I felt I had to because no one else will, or because I needed to do so, so I could move myself in a group. I honestly don’t know. But for the past four years, I moved as fast as I can, but each year I was fading a bit. Yesterday was the end of it, I couldn’t even read the words out loud, I couldn’t keep my own pieces together. saying the words out loud echoed an unusual kind of pain inside.

I am sure whoever read till here thinks I’m a certified drama queen, but trust me, I am not. Not at all.

The problem is, when you keep it all inside for too long, it comes back and it hits you when you least expect it, and it hits real hard.

But then anyway I let myself shatter for only 5 minutes, washed my face and continued studying, like I always did, and will always do. (I’m too busy screwing myself up to shatter and fall)

 

Why am I writing this anyway?

because everyone in my class has been counting the hours since yesterday for graduation and writing about how they will miss the whole class and the college with its ups and downs, but I on the other hand – which by the way is not normal for me- didn’t write any status, I only counted for 23 hours for the end of my misery. I didn’t even like any of the damn statuses, it was annoying that I couldn’t relate to what my own class was saying, it was weird..

I wondered why I didn’t. I wonder how am I letting a big event like this pass me by. But I didn’t care that much yesterday. but the problem is, I don’t care that much now. I’m just relieved that I’m done with studying and having to argue with my father every week about how he doesn’t see me while I am studying when I really do when I have something to do, and that I’m a grown up enough to know what I should do all by myself. and I’m relieved that I’m done thinking that I have to sacrifice some events so I could stay home and study so I could make it later to EUs’ meetings.

so I said maybe if I let the ideas flow freely I could figure out how I feel.

and until this moment I can’t think of anything else.

not the friends I might lose touch with, or the quick outings I enjoyed with random people after a useless college day, or the EU meetings after the day ended, right this moment, I can’t think straight. Maybe I just don’t want to, but anyway I don’t really care about the reason either.

 

I’m writing this because I didn’t and will not write a status for stalkers on facebook to read, I’m only writing this for myself to document what I feel right now. although I’m not sure this is what I want to read after 5 years when I look back, but hey, I have been writing shit since 3 4 months, so another post won’t really matter, right?

 

Anyway, dear self, when you see this 5 years from now, remember that even though I’m not feeling much right now, but I’m just glad I made it through, maybe I will be proud tomorrow or after, I hope. people are all happy around me right now, so I’m trying to catch that attitude, or at least fake one until I get there.

I don’t know what I will do with my life, I have no clue, nothing. I don’t even have a dream job, yeah I know, it is a part of my drifting anyway, but I’m SURE that when you look back at this 5 years from now, we will be somewhere just fine, somewhere not less than what we deserve, I know we will find a way.

thank you for bearing with me all of this, I promise you, that is just another start, a start of something unknown yet new.

I will always try to love you, forever and always. I promise I will try.

yours truly,

Noha, a fresh graduate, after 17 years of struggling with education.

 

Seems like the post is over I guess, I don’t want to write anything that negative anymore, because if I had been in my normal state, I swear I would have posted pictures of ballons and songs and I would have been clapping my hand all the way back to my home. I would have told you that I’m thrilled a past phase of my life has ended and I just love to embrace the new one. I would have told you I’m ready to face whatever comes my way, and whenever I fall, I will remember that I made it through so many things in the last 17 years, especially the last four. Because a part of me, deep inside, knows how much I have accomplished, a part of me knows that I should be proud.

But until I come to my senses again, I need you to remember yourself, that whatever you’re going through, it will pass. nothing, NOTHING, stays the same anyway. this too shall pass, I promise.

N.B, to whoever read till the end, I wonder why? is it out of curiosity? are you enjoying the mess? I was hoping that since I didn’t edit anything and I wrote how I truly feel and it turned out to be that long, all of you would just leave half way through the post. but anyway if you didn’t, I would like for you to keep all your comments buckled up inside, because I’m sure you won’t get it and your words would only make me feel worse.

 

Good night, cairo. :’)

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I write.

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once upon a time

it’s like I never existed.

nothing has been proven to be wrong, but nothing is right either.

we stopped moving, we stopped looking around. we’re stuck in a state of denial.

we know we’re lost, but in a familiar place.

Enough?

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