The Becoming.

I’m becoming a walking mess. All the guidelines I drew for myself are now hazy lines, I even doubt they still exist. How could someone that was always that sure of any and every thing turn into someone that doubts even their own existence? I wonder how the ground manages to shift from underneath you after you’ve finally felt that you’ve got the grips of it. Is there anything certain in this world? I mean who says I’m alive? Or that I am not someone else’s shadow from his past life screwing up his present life or may I say his afterlife? I don’t know. I don’t want to either.

I’m becoming a walking mess, and surprisingly, I don’t think I mind. I know they think I’m out of my mind, and they might be right, but I don’t care either. I might not know much, but I know that not all those who wander are lost; one must wander to find himself. I also know that numbness is a state of mind, where you get to block all the pain and sadness you don’t want to feel, but you cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness too. It is complicated for some people, but for me, it is easier. When you stop feeling things, you don’t have to react to anything anymore, you save your energy for yourself; you get to exist in silence, in peace.

I’m becoming a walking mess that is now comfortable with being emotionally detached from all of the surroundings. If people fail to understand the importance of spaces, you’re responsible in front of yourself to ask for it, demand space to breathe.

I was a person that was into anything for the long run, I was always in too deep. I was pushed into happiness by the moving crowd, but now, I am happily unhappy.

There are so many times when you know you’re feeling a lot of something, but you don’t know what the something is. So to the person I’ve been, if you’re still out there listening, I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with not understanding yourself. But I’m still here, and at the end of the day, that is what really matters for both of us.

 

-One of the pieces I had to write for my writing course.

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