For when and if I come back.

Even if I wanted to write, I think I ran out of words. My head is spinning most of the time.

I wonder if there is anybody out there that is actually listening, I wonder if anybody understands.

But I know no one is, no one does. Even I don’t.

 

She asked me what was missing, and my answer was ” I am missing.”

I was surprised I didn’t think about the answer, it came right out of my mouth.

I have this feeling lately that I am living someone’s life, or maybe I am just a shadow of another human being.

I can’t decide.

I have become so delusional I think.

I get lost in my own words.

My words are failing me lately, and it is all I ever had.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

But I do know that I yearn for “lightness”.

 

I can’t tell you my questions out loud, you already have yours, and they are unanswered just as mine.

I don’t think I even want to.

wait a minute, what are my questions anyway?

I guess God knows them, I have been asking them for a little too long now.

They say god always listens, I don’t think I doubt that, but they never said how he responded, that is something a man has got to figure out by himself.

And I don’t know anymore.

And I hate not knowing.

 

The mess here is lovely. It is becoming more comfortable. I bounce around rock bottom in happiness now.

Turns out I wasn’t waiting for a thing, nor a person.

I think I have been waiting for myself all along, and it took me some time to figure that out.

And now that I know, I don’t know if I want to come back or not.

I might leave it up to the person that has lived/ has been living my life (in a previous life/or this one) to put back the pieces; to either take the piece that I am now, or give me back what is missing, what is mine.

 

I should leave now. And you should go find something useful to do.

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