Apathy of a heart and mind.

It was a winter night, not like any other. The moon’s absence made it a little more gloomy.

I sat there on my rocking chair, next to the fire I lit earlier while I waited for her to come home.

It was five past 11. The ticking of every second sucked the life out of me slowly, as if it was deducting these minutes out of my lifetime. I knew it was not going to be like every night.

Half an hour past her usual timing, I finally heard her keys by the door, thinking that anything I might say now will probably make everything even worse.

I stood up as she reluctantly kissed me on the cheek as if she was racing to make it to her room, before I could even have a look at her.

I pulled her hand as fast as I could before she could slip out of my arms, and gently whispered into her ears, “he called you today on your other cellphone that you left at the breakfast table when you were in a hurry to go out before I woke up.”

I bet a million ideas stormed through her head; why did he call, what did he say, did he hang up before I picked up, how could the person she is married to be so calm about this, what did I find out anyway, but she was interrupted by another calm tone, “I’m guessing he is the same man you introduced to me as your associate at work, except this time he was less stressed than last time. Now I understand why.”

A minute passed as if it was almost five nights, no one cared to move, we both knew we would break in halves if we did.

The sound of silence was disturbed by the clock striking twelve, as if that was god’s sign for her to let go of all the words she has been keeping from me.

“Remember the time you told me even if you had me all figured out you’d still look at me the same way you did when we first found out that our favorite two singers are actually happily married now, and that their next song is a duet that we both couldn’t wait to hear?”, she wasn’t waiting for an answer. “Remember the first time you told your parents about me, how they were so angry at you for keeping it a secret, and how you stormed out of the house that night only to storm in the very next day with me by your side?”

I still didn’t make a sound.

“But what I really wish you would remember is the time you told me that whenever I drifted away, you would come out of your way for me everytime, because you knew how I have a tendency of always losing my way.”

My head was silent. I was quiet, as I have been for the last three months, I couldn’t find the words to turn around the conversation.

Her head was a mess, it was a new kind of mess to her, I could tell, but somehow she knew exactly what she wanted to say, the words came out with no hesitation, “I am tired, not worn out, but worn through.”

We sat across each other, staring at what we have become. I wanted to speak, I wanted to say anything, I wanted to ask her about that man, what has he to offer that I didn’t, I wanted to know how far have they gone, but I couldn’t.

“You know, the days passed one at a time, and sometimes less than one at a time. At days you were here, you, the one I have known my whole life, and the next day, I prayed to only see a glimpse of you.”

I knew there was days when I didn’t react to anything she said, the days I felt the need to hide, even from her, I just didn’t want to exist. I couldn’t explain my need to myself, but I have been told that there’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.

She always saw through me, she is the kind of person that would know a flaw exists but acts as if it is not there, and that made me comfortable around her. My mind was always quiet around her, I didn’t have to invent anything. I didn’t have to be anything but myself.

“The man that called means nothing to me, he is just someone that cared enough to notice my new hair cut, and brought me morning coffee everyday with a countdown note to my birthday, but he is nothing, he can’t be anything, he is not you.”

I wanted to be empty like an overturned pitcher, but I was full like a stone. I started to realize in my head that I have been out of my life for a while now. I have been running away from everything I know. It was tiring at first, but I got used to being on the run. I thought that if I am moving, it means I shall get somewhere soon. I spent the last couple of months trying to feel less. More and more, it felt like I’m doing a really bad impersonation of myself. But what I totally missed is that she is a part of life, she is a part I should run to, drown into, but instead, I reluctantly put her with the rest of the world that I was angry at for no apparent reason, or maybe I had my reasons, but that isn’t the issue right now.

she stood up, and I knew I had to say anything, but what do you say when the person that you have loved for your whole life tells you that they gave up on you and stopped missing you.

My heavy breathing made it even harder to concentrate on any thought, but I finally did, “I’m sorry. I have always wanted to protect you from every possible heartbreak that might come your way, I guess I never realized I was going to be one of them.”

Her eyes glowed with sadness from across the room, it broke my heart into pieces more than what my heart was made of. And just as she allowed her first tear to run down her cheek, I was by her side crying my heart out, silently. I have stopped her world from spinning only to spin it the other way around.

I swore I would never forgive myself for making her beg for me when I was supposed to be  the only constant in her life.

I took her to bed, and watched her cry herself to sleep. I didn’t have any comforting words to tell her, I didn’t have it in me anymore. I wished so bad that she would leave me the next morning. I wanted her to be well again. I was a mess, an unfixable mess.

I stayed up all night trying to figure out if it is easier to just walk away from everything, I tried to think about her as well, but all I could ever think of is that I have turned into a cold-hearted man, and there is no way of coming back. I have known misery, and I was fine with it. I have known numbness and I was always yearning for it. I knew that the key to this life, is to either feel too much and be willing to deal with the consequences, or feel nothing. Apathy has become my favorite feeling. She was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I couldn’t let myself turn her into someone she can’t recognize.

I packed a suitcase that night, and left before she even woke up. I left her a paper on my side of the bed that said I was going away for a month, I was setting on a journey to get myself back, I wanted to be whole for her again.

I never looked back that day, I knew I have messed up two lives, but I wanted to move on from the draining circle I fell into.

A month passed, I came back, I was still empty but I was eager to be filled with her, everything of her; I realized how her night ramblings meant so much to me, how her silly laughs healed my heart slowly. I remember how I used to smile at her whenever she got home looking clumsy after a long day at work. I remember how she used to touch my hand and how that set fire to my mind. I remember when we kissed on the kitchen table one time and I realized that the neighbors were watching but I didn’t want to stop her and how pissed she was at me the next day when our neighbor hinted that. I remember how she made me feel. Yes, I was never enough for myself, but she was always enough for me. I sank deep into misery when I realized I am inadequate, I was angry at the world, at god, for not letting me see how she was and will always be the missing piece. But now I know better.

 

I used the keys, got into the house, her scent filled the place. The lights were off. I thought maybe she’s asleep.

 

“You were never enough for yourself, and I couldn’t be enough for you no matter how hard I tried. I’m afraid this is not for a month, it is for a lifetime. You wanted to not feel pain, but you missed out on happiness as well. I loved you for everything we were and I stopped when you stopped loving yourself. I’m sorry for the two of us. There was no way around it. We could not climb over it, or walk until we found its edge. Everything is as it is, I just took my things, which you probably won’t notice anyway. I don’t wish you bad. And I know you will always come back and haunt me.”

 

The note on the fridge said…shattering me into pieces all over the kitchen floor, just beside that kitchen table.

 

– The end.

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marwa El Behairy
    Sep 14, 2013 @ 23:30:18

    Noha, it’s beautiful. I loved it. 🙂

    Reply

  2. yara
    Sep 16, 2013 @ 12:29:33

    More than amazing (:

    Reply

  3. Shereen
    Nov 01, 2013 @ 00:02:32

    Reblogged this on December..

    Reply

  4. noha
    Jan 25, 2014 @ 22:00:09

    i loved the way you expressed their thoughts and feelings so genuinely. really nice 🙂

    Reply

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