عن لحظة الإفراج

And after I finished the whole replying to messages and asking about friends and all this shit, I came here to write a little and be truly honest with myself.

I’m not sure what I am about to write, but I promise I will let the ideas flow. And I suggest you close the post, nothing here that will interest you I am sure. I just couldn’t whine to anyone, so I will be a drama queen here.

SO YEAH! the results are out. They say I am now an official graduate *wuhuuu*

of course there is nothing surprising about my result, like each term, like each year, only two percent left for the “very good” grade.

I believe it is a curse, I could almost swear! And even though I knew how will it be, I think I hoped that I would be wrong this time, only this time. but NAH.

I don’t think my parents will be surprised, but I am not sure they would be thrilled.

and right at this moment I just want to bang my head against any wall.

For multiple things actually, for the grade, for not being able to be happy about it, for the lack of feelings I am experiencing lately, for the fact that I forgot to eat, for the headache I am having now, but most importantly, because I feel like I wasted four years of my life over something I didn’t like that much, or maybe I was fine with, but I know I couldn’t fully take in the whole learning system.

 

I wanted to a therapist instead, I don’t think anyone knows that, myself included, until recently, or maybe get into mass com faculty, but “koleyet elkema” came along and I don’t know what happened.

I wish I had studied something that would actually benefit people, because what is happening right now isn’t politics, if I learned anything from the past four year, I KNOW that this isn’t politics.

I KNOW I AM SUCH A DRAMA QUEEEN, OH GOD.

 

Maybe I am also pissed because now I have to start acting like a graduate and I don’t know look for a job maybe, and know what I want to do with my life, and who I want to be. All I know is, the floor beneath me vanished, not all of a sudden because I knew this was coming, but now I have to think all over again and make life-changing decisions when I’d rather just stay home and watch grey’s anatomy and eat all kinds of junk food.

 

No wait, I think I am more pissed because I don’t care if I feel that way.

there is the problem!

ughhhhh.

*kerehto 7ayatko? ah? tyb ana asfa, 2oltelko 2e2felo men elawl -_- *

 

Anyway what is important is that I replied to all the congratulation messages, and I wrote a facebook status that actually seemed happy, and I tweeted about my graduation, so I think I am doing it right, and everything will make sense in the morning, I hope.

 

I know I am happy to finally graduate and leave this shit behind, but right now, I am too tired to feel, move, or think.

4 hours prior to the results, I was sleeping on my bean bag tweeting whatever comes to my mind, with my ipod on, and the lights off.  I guess maybe I wasn’t ready for it to be today, especially that I thought it would be on sunday.

*pauses for a while*

If I didn’t publish this in five minutes, I will erase the damn thing and just sleep.

*pauses again*

I AM NOT A DEPRESSING/DEPRESSED PERSON I SWEAR.

but I just hate my faculty, I guess you all know by now.

Most of the drama acts I make were always because of my major, another ughhh.

OK OK. I will get it together now. 7ALAN.

now this is me talking to myself.  * you reading, don’t even ask*

 

Noha, rbna yehdeki ya 7abebty, enty magnona ya mama? msh lesa ayla men youmen msh mohem elnatega? MATGANINESH OMY M3AKI.

msh 5alasty elgam3a ely betkraheha? msh kan nefsek te5lasy menha?

I think you now could be anything you want, you could even major in psychology like you were thinking two days ago. now you have a degree for your parents and the community, if this isn’t how you imagined it, it doesn’t have to be that way, you know?

I know you don’t have the world’s info, and you suck most of the time at political views, but you’re also good at other stuff. I think you should explore that.

I also think you should sleep now, and all the feelings will come tomorrow, or maybe after, doesn’t really matter, YOU KNOW YOU ARE A GRADUATE NOW. YOU ARE DONE. NO MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS ON EXAM DAYS. NO MORE MAN, NO MORE.

خدي بوسة مني ليكي

ياختي عسل, قمر. بحبك موتس

(kalemt nafsy kda 3shan 3arfa eny elwa7eda ely ha3rf a2ol l nafsy elkalam ely lazem asma3o, bas msh 3rfa a2olo 3’er lama aktebo)

 

And now back to reality and enough with the madness above, I think I am grateful I made it here, I thank God for all the bad and good days that passed, and I hope that soon enough I will know that I didn’t really waste four years, and there was a greater plan here.

I thank God I met these people, I thank god I made it into almun for two years, and not the third, so I could be myself in EU’13 and witness the success I worked so hard for in EU’12. I also thank god that I have a mother that truly believes in me, at all times. And I thank god for a father that works so hard so I could lead a happy life.

I thank you god for the friends I made the past 4 years, I also thank you for the ones I lost. I have been taught so many lessons.

And I wish you wouldn’t give up on me, like I almost did at times.

 

And finally I don’t really know how to end this, but I want to tell you you have witnessed only half an hour between me and myself. just an ordinary conversation, that I think is mistaken to have shown you, but I had to let my thoughts out, today, right now, so I could move on as quick as I can.

 

and for a person that just read all of this shit, I want to ask you, WHY? I am actually waiting for an answer, anywhere..

 

تصبحوا على خير وعلى حاجات حلوة نفسكوا فيها

يارب دايما تبقوا عارفين أنتم عايزين إيه

ويارب دايما يبقى حواليكم ناس بتحبكوا وتخاف عليكم

(:

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تخاريف ليلية

كان نفسي ماتقروش كلامي

كان نفسي كلامي يبقى له معني عندكم لو حصل وقريتوه

في رواية أخرى, كان نفسي أبقى خفية

أبقى خفيفة وحقيقية

.

كان نفسي اللي بيأخد باله من الناس حواليه, يعرف ياخد باله من نفسه

وكان نفسي اللي بيحل مشاكل الناس كلها, يحل مشاكله الاول

.

كان نفسي تبقى الدنيا أوضح من كده

وكان نفسي أبقى دايما عارفة ومتأكدة أنا بأعمل إيه

.

كان نفسي اللي ببيطمن الناس دايما, يبقاله حد مصدر أمان دائم

كان نفسي اللي بيمشي يحضن الناس, يلاقي الأمان في حضن حد

كان نفسي اللي بيفسر كل حاجة للناس بسهولة, يعرف يفهم افكاره بـسلاسة

كان نفسي الناس تعرف تعيش الحياة اللي هي تختارها, مش اللي اتفرضت

.

كان نفسي يبقى الهدوء الداخلي ده حاجة واضحة ولو الواحد مشي على مسار معين, يوصله

كان نفسي دماغي تبقى اروق من كده, هي مكنتش كده زمان

عشان أنا مكنتش كده زمان

كان نفسي أفهم اللي بقوله لنفسي بليل قبل منام

وكان نفسي أفهم اللي باكتبه كل يوم وانا زهقانة

ونفسي الناس تبطل تسألني ليه على كل حاجة

ونفسي, حقيقي نفسي, أعيش في غير مكان

أبدأ من الصفر واختار حاجات كتير اتفرضت عليا

حتى لو رجعت بالزمان واخترتها تاني برضه, عالاقل هابقى المرة دي واعية أكتر

.

أقول لكم, أنا أصلا منفسيش في حاجة

أو يمكن بأقول كده عشان عارفة إني مش هاعرف أوصل لحاجة منهم

فـأحسن ماعوزش أي حاجة

كل الكلام ده هيفرق في إيه

عارفين؟ أصلا كل اللخبطة اللي مكتوبة فوق دي بينالكم إنها بتعكس كركبة في دماغي

و مش هأقول إنه ده غلط, بس مش بتوصلكم الهدوء اللي بيبقى في دماغي لما باكتب

لما باكتب ومحدش حواليا, لما باكتب اللي أنا عيزاه- أول مانجح إني أشيل من دماغي فكرة إن في حد هيعرفني هيقرا ده

آه, نفسي كل اللي يعرفوني يبطلوا يقروا, لأني عارفة إن محدش فيهم فاهم

بس يعني في الآخر, هو مين فاهم نفسه عشان يفهم غيره أصلا

وبعدين لو فهمت نفسي, هقعد أعمل إيه بقيت الوقت

.أنا شخصيا مقتنعة إن الجري ورا الذات ده, هو اللي على مدار سنين حياتنا, بيفهمنا احنا مين

بس ساعات بتعب مني, زي دلوقتي كده

ومش عايزة أطلع اقرا فوق عشان لو عملت كده, هامسحه

صدقوني احتمال كبير تكون اللي بتكتب الحاجات دي, والشخصية اللي بتقابلوها, اتنين مختلفين, في جسم واحد

بس الحاجة الوحيدة اللي هما متفقين عليها, هي الكتابة

ده الشيء الثابت من ساعة ماهما الإتنين اتقسموا وسمحتلهم أنا يعيشوا مع بعض ومع الناس

.

.

أتمنى من قلبي تكونوا مش فاهمين حاجة, عشان عارفة أني لما اتوهكوا هتبطلوا تسألوا وتنسوا الموضوع, وتخليكوا فريش

تصبحوا على خير

(:

Late-night confessions

Something about the night makes my thoughts flow non-stop, I guess it is the silence maybe I don’t know, maybe the darkness as well. Anyway, I don’t really care, all I know is I find comfort in writing at night. At night everything seems more clear than any part of the day. I usually think of my problems through out the day, but I only find meaning at night.

One thing I know for sure, I stop fighting myself late at night, I stop being so hard on myself; I stop judging.

And all of a sudden I hear all the things I have been keeping out echoing from deep down, I hear all the things I really want to do. I confront myself with how I really feel about certain things. They might be all dark and twisty things, but I -now- am fine with anything that comes my way, because I have known darker times. I don’t think I’m out of the blue yet, but I know I have moved somewhere else, somewhere where I could be just fine with who I really am. Although I don’t even have a clue about that yet, but at least I’m trying to find my way through the maze.

We all have our struggles, some harder than others, and I know there are so many people out there fighting to make it through one more night alive, and because they made it that far, I am willing to fight more.

 

I don’t mind living between two separate worlds; your reality and my head. I will suit myself, and do what suits you as well, because I know I don’t and can’t live alone.But after all, people have got to leave some space for a human being to get lost, for one shall find his true-self by wandering.