To all the years that passed, cheers.

As a start, this post is totally for the sake of documenting my graduation, nothing that matters to you will be written here, I guess.

I just wanted to let you know before you go on and read the whole thing.

why am I saying this?

because apparently I can’t write anything anywhere without someone commenting about it in a way, hence, MY BLOG, is the only place I have left to ramble as much as I need to.

now that I made it clear, you can proceed if you want to.

 

I have been thinking about this post from 6 am this morning. Today I woke up at 5:30 am to complete what I had left for today’s exam. I haven’t done that in two years, I was pissed at myself somehow, but I kept on saying it is okay and I hopefully won’t have to do so ever AGAIN. What added to the day’s uniqueness, is that at 1:00 am today, I broke down, out of nowhere. I suddenly felt the “pain” of the past 4 years aching inside. And suddenly I wasn’t able to breathe, literally.

When I say the pain, I’m not exaggerating, I have been struggling for 4 years, trying to love what I am doing, or at least get through it. The pain that I felt after each terms’ grades, that never satisfied my father, even though, that was the best I could ever give, ever. I can still remember that I went into a state of depression for two weeks last year, because I was so sure I’d get a “very good” grade for the two terms because I really worked hard for this, I was so sure, only to find I had my worst 2nd term grade ever. The pain I felt because I had to not only move myself, but to push others as well. I don’t know if I felt I had to because no one else will, or because I needed to do so, so I could move myself in a group. I honestly don’t know. But for the past four years, I moved as fast as I can, but each year I was fading a bit. Yesterday was the end of it, I couldn’t even read the words out loud, I couldn’t keep my own pieces together. saying the words out loud echoed an unusual kind of pain inside.

I am sure whoever read till here thinks I’m a certified drama queen, but trust me, I am not. Not at all.

The problem is, when you keep it all inside for too long, it comes back and it hits you when you least expect it, and it hits real hard.

But then anyway I let myself shatter for only 5 minutes, washed my face and continued studying, like I always did, and will always do. (I’m too busy screwing myself up to shatter and fall)

 

Why am I writing this anyway?

because everyone in my class has been counting the hours since yesterday for graduation and writing about how they will miss the whole class and the college with its ups and downs, but I on the other hand – which by the way is not normal for me- didn’t write any status, I only counted for 23 hours for the end of my misery. I didn’t even like any of the damn statuses, it was annoying that I couldn’t relate to what my own class was saying, it was weird..

I wondered why I didn’t. I wonder how am I letting a big event like this pass me by. But I didn’t care that much yesterday. but the problem is, I don’t care that much now. I’m just relieved that I’m done with studying and having to argue with my father every week about how he doesn’t see me while I am studying when I really do when I have something to do, and that I’m a grown up enough to know what I should do all by myself. and I’m relieved that I’m done thinking that I have to sacrifice some events so I could stay home and study so I could make it later to EUs’ meetings.

so I said maybe if I let the ideas flow freely I could figure out how I feel.

and until this moment I can’t think of anything else.

not the friends I might lose touch with, or the quick outings I enjoyed with random people after a useless college day, or the EU meetings after the day ended, right this moment, I can’t think straight. Maybe I just don’t want to, but anyway I don’t really care about the reason either.

 

I’m writing this because I didn’t and will not write a status for stalkers on facebook to read, I’m only writing this for myself to document what I feel right now. although I’m not sure this is what I want to read after 5 years when I look back, but hey, I have been writing shit since 3 4 months, so another post won’t really matter, right?

 

Anyway, dear self, when you see this 5 years from now, remember that even though I’m not feeling much right now, but I’m just glad I made it through, maybe I will be proud tomorrow or after, I hope. people are all happy around me right now, so I’m trying to catch that attitude, or at least fake one until I get there.

I don’t know what I will do with my life, I have no clue, nothing. I don’t even have a dream job, yeah I know, it is a part of my drifting anyway, but I’m SURE that when you look back at this 5 years from now, we will be somewhere just fine, somewhere not less than what we deserve, I know we will find a way.

thank you for bearing with me all of this, I promise you, that is just another start, a start of something unknown yet new.

I will always try to love you, forever and always. I promise I will try.

yours truly,

Noha, a fresh graduate, after 17 years of struggling with education.

 

Seems like the post is over I guess, I don’t want to write anything that negative anymore, because if I had been in my normal state, I swear I would have posted pictures of ballons and songs and I would have been clapping my hand all the way back to my home. I would have told you that I’m thrilled a past phase of my life has ended and I just love to embrace the new one. I would have told you I’m ready to face whatever comes my way, and whenever I fall, I will remember that I made it through so many things in the last 17 years, especially the last four. Because a part of me, deep inside, knows how much I have accomplished, a part of me knows that I should be proud.

But until I come to my senses again, I need you to remember yourself, that whatever you’re going through, it will pass. nothing, NOTHING, stays the same anyway. this too shall pass, I promise.

N.B, to whoever read till the end, I wonder why? is it out of curiosity? are you enjoying the mess? I was hoping that since I didn’t edit anything and I wrote how I truly feel and it turned out to be that long, all of you would just leave half way through the post. but anyway if you didn’t, I would like for you to keep all your comments buckled up inside, because I’m sure you won’t get it and your words would only make me feel worse.

 

Good night, cairo. :’)

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ahmed Nabih
    Jun 09, 2013 @ 23:14:05

    Ignoring that last part, I’m not buckling shit up inside dear friend.

    Do not blame yourself for posting negative shit for the last 3-4 months, since you write what you feel and it helps you feel the least bit better to let it out, or even if it doesn’t and it just lets you move on for the slightest moment.

    Have you seen how my posts were in my senior year? the posts nearing the graduation? I could relate nearly to everything you wrote up there.
    Writing what you just did isn’t a crime or disrespectful. Everyone got attached to something during this phase, they did, and you did too. And you said it before them twice and even more. When EU’12/13 ended, you missed stuff, the people, the place, the booth, the advertising, the meetings, the sessions. These are the memories you’ve created. To a place that’s mainly an educational place, you failed to live up to the requirements of that educational system which everyone knows is flawed. While others could conform and get by, you didn’t want to give too much of yourself and step down bounded by it.

    Dear friend, you’ve made graduation easier for me a year ago, intentionally or not it doesn’t really matter, what matters is the effect. I’m not sure if I could do the same for you and it doesn’t really matter either. I just hope you take your head up off your arms and look through those four years for the things that made it easier for you to get where you are now, safely graduated. Appreciate these, write a status about these, let the stalkers like it. Let us know you’re closing a door behind you, a door that holds a whole lot of noises of voices you don’t want to hear anymore. And look ahead, you’re on the brink of a new beginning of a new phase, you don’t want the noises nor the voices with you here. Don’t let them hold you back, in this new stage, everyone, regardless of their grades, will face difficulties, you will face difficulties, you will be reminded of your little slips and failures. It’s okay, you know that everything you did was for a reason, it was for you. You’ll take whatever comes, you’ve got advantages others didn’t have the chance to get while they were circling around the wheel.

    You are happy you’re done, do not minimize that.

    Reply

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