For what we once were.

His suitcase by the door, he had his coat on. I was staring silently at the door. He didn’t say much, but I knew since our last fight that he had given up on us. I could sense his cold heart miles away. He was over me, he was over us. He moved on a long time ago, but it took me a fight after the other to finally realize where we’re heading.

He kneeled over, kissed my forhead, and my heart skipped a beat. Just like it did years ago when he first told me he loved me with my hand on his chest and the other in his hands. I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t move. I thought maybe if I pulled him closer and promised him I would try and fix everything, he might stay.
But then I remembered I don’t have anything left to offer. We were both worn out from trying to fit together uncompatible pieces. We both knew love wasn’t enough, but we overlooked all the ugly nights, and hung on to that one night where our friends came over and we had to play mr. and mrs perfect. Even when I was in pain he would tap on my shoulders, buy me all the medications I needed, made me breakfast in bed, but he never said anything, even though he knew how his sweet words would make my pain vanish in a blink. He was a gentlemen enough to not promise me things he can’t do anymore.

We both knew, but kept on hoping something would come and make it magically better, but nothing did, and nothing will ever either. It is a long distance back to where we were, and we’re both holding on to parts of each other that are no longer here.

“Love was never enough, love.” He said. I looked up and said, “we were never enough. Love has nothing to do with us.” And with a grin on my face I slowly slipped my wedding ring into his pocket and whispered “give your grandmother’s ring to someone that is here to stay, someone that would fall for you harder everytime you walk by the door, for love my dear, tends to fade.”

And ever since that door was closed, life was never the same, he took my familiar world with him. But I was free at last. But is freedom what I have always wanted? I know I was never good at being anyone’s anything, but for a girl that has always made a home out of people’s hearts, where will I settle when I am done with all the wandering?

I wonder..

Whispers – Part II/ I’m not Here

one should always appreciate a good piece of writing.
one should appreciate a good writer that pays attention to the tiniest of details.
and this is, it is just., I don’t know what to say.

These little things

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

I stood in the balcony with this stranger, who studied my movements as I, before him, leaned against the wall. The joint in his hand smelled unfamiliar to me, and I looked at it as though my desires resided within it. It was to be my first. I would take it in, inhale the smoke the way this man in front of me did, and taste a little bit of the serenity that awaited me, the pleasure I had longed to feel.

 

 

You remember my name. I have written and confessed to you of my illness. Yes, it is me again. No, I am not feeling well. Yes, I am still alive (and did not kill myself), but listen to the rest of my story, before thinking that I am.

I still carry it with me, wherever I go. It…

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Under the Covers

These little things

I’m under the covers,

Comfortably hiding where no one sees me,

Too afraid to open my eyes, to see the world again.

Since yesterday, I’m a day older,

But there’s a child within me,

Who refuses to get out,

And face the ugliness of this world.

The skies are not blue to her – just vast space.

The leaves are not green – they are dead.

The mountains were made for her to fall;

The rivers, to drown.

She is haunted by the eyes of those,

Who claim they’d help.

With their pitiful smiles,

They unravel her.

Isolated, she seems.

But it’s not isolation that kills her.

It’s them.

It’s you.

It’s everyone, everywhere.

 

She is under the covers,

Comfortably hiding where no one sees her.

She won’t,

She can’t get out. 

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To all the years that passed, cheers.

As a start, this post is totally for the sake of documenting my graduation, nothing that matters to you will be written here, I guess.

I just wanted to let you know before you go on and read the whole thing.

why am I saying this?

because apparently I can’t write anything anywhere without someone commenting about it in a way, hence, MY BLOG, is the only place I have left to ramble as much as I need to.

now that I made it clear, you can proceed if you want to.

 

I have been thinking about this post from 6 am this morning. Today I woke up at 5:30 am to complete what I had left for today’s exam. I haven’t done that in two years, I was pissed at myself somehow, but I kept on saying it is okay and I hopefully won’t have to do so ever AGAIN. What added to the day’s uniqueness, is that at 1:00 am today, I broke down, out of nowhere. I suddenly felt the “pain” of the past 4 years aching inside. And suddenly I wasn’t able to breathe, literally.

When I say the pain, I’m not exaggerating, I have been struggling for 4 years, trying to love what I am doing, or at least get through it. The pain that I felt after each terms’ grades, that never satisfied my father, even though, that was the best I could ever give, ever. I can still remember that I went into a state of depression for two weeks last year, because I was so sure I’d get a “very good” grade for the two terms because I really worked hard for this, I was so sure, only to find I had my worst 2nd term grade ever. The pain I felt because I had to not only move myself, but to push others as well. I don’t know if I felt I had to because no one else will, or because I needed to do so, so I could move myself in a group. I honestly don’t know. But for the past four years, I moved as fast as I can, but each year I was fading a bit. Yesterday was the end of it, I couldn’t even read the words out loud, I couldn’t keep my own pieces together. saying the words out loud echoed an unusual kind of pain inside.

I am sure whoever read till here thinks I’m a certified drama queen, but trust me, I am not. Not at all.

The problem is, when you keep it all inside for too long, it comes back and it hits you when you least expect it, and it hits real hard.

But then anyway I let myself shatter for only 5 minutes, washed my face and continued studying, like I always did, and will always do. (I’m too busy screwing myself up to shatter and fall)

 

Why am I writing this anyway?

because everyone in my class has been counting the hours since yesterday for graduation and writing about how they will miss the whole class and the college with its ups and downs, but I on the other hand – which by the way is not normal for me- didn’t write any status, I only counted for 23 hours for the end of my misery. I didn’t even like any of the damn statuses, it was annoying that I couldn’t relate to what my own class was saying, it was weird..

I wondered why I didn’t. I wonder how am I letting a big event like this pass me by. But I didn’t care that much yesterday. but the problem is, I don’t care that much now. I’m just relieved that I’m done with studying and having to argue with my father every week about how he doesn’t see me while I am studying when I really do when I have something to do, and that I’m a grown up enough to know what I should do all by myself. and I’m relieved that I’m done thinking that I have to sacrifice some events so I could stay home and study so I could make it later to EUs’ meetings.

so I said maybe if I let the ideas flow freely I could figure out how I feel.

and until this moment I can’t think of anything else.

not the friends I might lose touch with, or the quick outings I enjoyed with random people after a useless college day, or the EU meetings after the day ended, right this moment, I can’t think straight. Maybe I just don’t want to, but anyway I don’t really care about the reason either.

 

I’m writing this because I didn’t and will not write a status for stalkers on facebook to read, I’m only writing this for myself to document what I feel right now. although I’m not sure this is what I want to read after 5 years when I look back, but hey, I have been writing shit since 3 4 months, so another post won’t really matter, right?

 

Anyway, dear self, when you see this 5 years from now, remember that even though I’m not feeling much right now, but I’m just glad I made it through, maybe I will be proud tomorrow or after, I hope. people are all happy around me right now, so I’m trying to catch that attitude, or at least fake one until I get there.

I don’t know what I will do with my life, I have no clue, nothing. I don’t even have a dream job, yeah I know, it is a part of my drifting anyway, but I’m SURE that when you look back at this 5 years from now, we will be somewhere just fine, somewhere not less than what we deserve, I know we will find a way.

thank you for bearing with me all of this, I promise you, that is just another start, a start of something unknown yet new.

I will always try to love you, forever and always. I promise I will try.

yours truly,

Noha, a fresh graduate, after 17 years of struggling with education.

 

Seems like the post is over I guess, I don’t want to write anything that negative anymore, because if I had been in my normal state, I swear I would have posted pictures of ballons and songs and I would have been clapping my hand all the way back to my home. I would have told you that I’m thrilled a past phase of my life has ended and I just love to embrace the new one. I would have told you I’m ready to face whatever comes my way, and whenever I fall, I will remember that I made it through so many things in the last 17 years, especially the last four. Because a part of me, deep inside, knows how much I have accomplished, a part of me knows that I should be proud.

But until I come to my senses again, I need you to remember yourself, that whatever you’re going through, it will pass. nothing, NOTHING, stays the same anyway. this too shall pass, I promise.

N.B, to whoever read till the end, I wonder why? is it out of curiosity? are you enjoying the mess? I was hoping that since I didn’t edit anything and I wrote how I truly feel and it turned out to be that long, all of you would just leave half way through the post. but anyway if you didn’t, I would like for you to keep all your comments buckled up inside, because I’m sure you won’t get it and your words would only make me feel worse.

 

Good night, cairo. :’)

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في العالم الآخر.

اللا شيء

فراغ وسكوت

أراني بـوضوح حتى أكاد لا أرى غيري

أصوات رأسي

اسمعها بـوضوح, أكاد أرى شوشورتها علي

هل هي أصوات في رأسي, من رأسي؟

ام هي اصواتي أنا التي طالما حاولت أن أسكتها؟

اعشق غيابي عن العالم, فـأنا موجودة لكني رحلت

فمنذ ذلك الوقت وأنا أعيش في عالم مليء بـأشخاص خيالية

أشخاص تحدثني طوال الليل, فتحرم علي النوم

افكارهم واضحة, افكارهم حقيقية

افكارهم مجرد انعكاس لي

فـأنا امكث في عالم موازي

أرى نفسي فيه بـوضوح

ذلك الوضوح الذي غاب عني لفترة طويلة ومازال غائبا

ولكني لن أنكر أني في شرودي, أكتشفت نفسي من جديد

فـأنا امكث في عالم موازي

حتى تستطيع أن تظهر نفسي في عالمي الحالي

و سأبقى هناك حتى إشعار أخر

لأني بـبساطة لا أمانع و إن كنتم جميعكم ترفضون